Reflections on Samtosha

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Or, to be all Sanskrit-jargony, Samtosha.

You can see how people would battle with this when things are crappy, right? But when things are good, and they are still not content, you might start to question their sanity.

I’ve certainly been questioning my own, lately. For frikssake, I’m asking myself, your life is so amazing, how can you be feeling so stressed?

Cognitive dissonance, that’s how.

My poor mind is lagging behind my reality.

Compare where I was 12 months ago to where I am now:

Then: reeling from my divorce being finalised. It had been a year and a half since my husband and I split up, but I was still so sad that I was no longer anyone’s wife. I liked being a wife.

Now: I just celebrated my first anniversary with the love of my life. We are not married, but we live together and every day we love each other more.

Then: battling to keep my business afloat while more or less incapacitated with flashbacks, desperate anxiety, and the trauma of fully processing my childhood sexual abuse.

Now: openly talking about these issues, dipping my toes into sexual rights activism, and the owner of two thriving businesses, which other people often call an Empire.

Then: hard up for cash. Worried about every cent.

Now: Abundant enough that I can pay six teachers weekly to help me out in my mm…Yoga! business, and another two from time to time. And I can give stuff away for free, because I have more than enough for myself.

Then: living in a tiny one-bedroom flat, with only a bar fridge and no oven in which to bake (one of my favourite things).

Now: settling into a beautiful three-bedroomed home with my partner, which we made happen as equals, with a huge kitchen, enormous fridge, and…an oven! And Eames chairs, which I have wanted ever since I started decorating homes.

This much change, in such a short time, would give anyone whiplash.

And that’s exactly what’s happened to me. Whilst I have had plenty of practice at being content with less, I am finding it considerably more challenging to be content with more.

It’s about feeling deserving, worthy. About fully understanding that what I have is a direct result of what I give others, because that’s how my business is structured. I am wired to give back once I have something to give: I teach yoga because it helped me, showed me the safe space within.

I write and talk about my Daddy Issues because I wish more people had been doing that when I was a lost teenager with nowhere to turn.

I pay my teachers generously because I always felt my work wasn’t valued highly enough when I worked for others.

I give back, and in return, I get.

Hmmm. Seems writing about it has helped considerably with that ole cognitive dissonance!

Also, making this booklet of questions for myself, and working through it. If you have a hard time accepting, or opening to, the good in your life, download and use it too!

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